Show Respect and Consideration to Your Neighbours

I live in a low-density condominium in Bukit Antarabangsa for the past 7 over years. With the DUKE recently opened and the Ampang-Kuala Lumpur Elevated Highway (AKLEH), KL city centre is just few minutes away. Few weeks ago, we got our newly completed mosque and everybody is looking forward to Ramadhan. All these with its existing charms (minus the landslide of course!!) make Sinaran Ukay a charming community to live in. And over the years, I have made many good friends among my neighbours. We all live in harmony without interference, intrusion and I would say that most of them have good 'neighbourhood manners'.

However late last year, there was this couple who moved into one of the penthouse units on level 9 - and so fast they have conflict with the Chairman of the Joint Management Body (JMB). It got out-of-hand recently when this couple went house-to-house to convince people that the Chairman has mismanaged the sinking fund (a pool of money set aside to pay for major works). Talking, without solid proofs to back their allegations, for some of us is just bad-mouthing. Therefore Yazid and I decided to ignore them.

2 days ago we had a small get-together at one of my neighbour's house. Few of my friends who were there told me about the lies the new neighbour has been spreading about me and Yazid. I called up few other good friends and it's the same story. Therefore I decided to write her a letter, just in case if I need a black and white if things turn ugly. I last wrote Yazid a love letter in the 90's - I hope I haven't lost the touch hehehe - so read on!

"Dear Kak N,

I’m following with much interest the issues of ‘mismanagement’ (as claimed by you) that have been going on in Sinaran Ukay. However, let me tell you that your comments to few of our neighbours about me not being trustworthy (just because my husband; Yazid is in the sub-committee) and Yazid as one of the contractors who has gained personal interest from the management, are hurtful and cruel. It’s not good-hearted teasing Kak N, it’s malicious!

You came to my house several times and I welcomed you with open minds. While you are welcome to your opinion, I don’t agree with the ways you handle the issues. Just because I don’t buy into your ‘drama’, it doesn’t mean that you can talk bad behind my back or blame me.

As a friend and as somebody who has been staying here since March 2002 (therefore I know more people than you do), these are my advices to you which obviously you didn’t gain during your 20 over years working as a journalist:-

1. Until you know/have the facts, please don’t gossip about me/other people. You have a tendency to go off at the mouth when talking about people so please do something about it.

2. Do not keep on complaining – take charge of the issues, think of different ways to turn those negatives into positives. And instigating people is definitely not one of the ways!

3. Rather than criticizing K/other people, why don’t you make polite request – even if you are right. Making a request, rather than a demand, make it easier for people to acknowledge your point. You will get a far more positive response while still making your point.

4. You moan about the same thing incessantly. You are now draining people emotionally and they don’t respect you. While I care, I just don’t want to go over that topic anymore. You need to tackle the situation but please speak with kindness – without making anybody wrong!

5. Please line yourself up to never be right in any discussions or argument – fight fair! Show other people the same consideration you wish to have in return – it will make a difference to the way people think of you.

Thank you."

There is an old saying, "an Englishman's home is his castle" - so it is the same to me - I expect to live in peace in it!! However I doubt she will change just because of my letter - hahahaha! Any thoughts?

Dragon Lady? Mommy Monster?

When someone you have known for so long describes you in a way you least expect, it’s a strange feeling. But that’s exactly what happened to me recently – in this case, it’s my husband; Yazid who said I was harsh with our children.

I was really angry – no – maybe frustrated because I never realized what a dragon lady I was. I kept ribbing him saying: ‘Come on, I wasn’t that bad! Was I?’ and this only encouraged him even more.

However when I think back, he’s right. I never realised how terrible it must have sounded to others when I had to discipline my children anywhere I was/they were. For Yazid, it’s a big NO-NO to discipline the children if our family members are around but not for me.

To be consistent, I have to reinforce boundaries no matter where or who is around. And I think part of the reason my children are such good kids today is because they have been given behaviour boundaries. I have always encouraged them to know the difference between right and wrong. I taught them that there’s a consequence for every action. I rarely cane them. I have their favourite past times list. So every time they forget their boundaries, they will do without one favourite past time for a week.

Yet no matter how bad I sounded in those early years (I still am today, although I very rarely need to reign in their behaviour), we are all enjoying the benefits now. I am able to take my children (except for the little one) anywhere and know that they will behave. They constantly hear feedback from guests, friends and family about what fantastic children they are. And it’s great to see the sense of pride they get when complimented.

Even funnier, 2 days ago they came back from the swimming pool and told me about a mischievous behavior of a neighbour’s son – I was as proud as punch that they recognized his bad behavior and even commented that they were glad they were not like that.

Dragon Lady? Mommy Monster? No, I am just a mother who wants her 4 children to grow up happy, respectful and be well-behaved individuals. So even though I admit to being a bit of disciplinarian at times, I know they realize it’s been worth it. It may not last forever (with all the social illnesses in this world, I am really scared), but I will be encouraging them to do the right thing as long as I can!

Speak with Kindness - without making anyone wrong

I read with much interest the comments by Dr Lo’Lo’ Ghazali on a proposal made by PAS to declare Sister in Islam (SIS) as haram as well as the issues of female reporters not covering their heads when attending PAS general assembly last week. In a male-dominated party, Dr. Lo’Lo’s sensible and brilliant comments put her male colleagues who are narrow minded and talked with no strong basis to shame.

Funny, I always thought that Islam prohibited extremism and radicalism. PAS should behave in mature manner particularly in dealings with women’s issues. Extremism and radicalism must be condemned as for me they are among few root causes of terrorism. We don’t want our country turning into another Afghanistan or Pakistan.

Imagine if PAS members who are Muslims and are the minority in non-Muslim countries, I am sure they do appreciate their freedom to practice their beliefs and not forced to follow other faiths.

To PAS, why do you have to be unjust and tarnish the good name of Islam? Islam’s image has been blemished lately; let us not get overzealous about these petty issues. For the sake of uniting this fast dividing country, ditch that narrow mentality so as not to taint people’s views on us. Respect the diversity that exists in this country.

‘Other races, religions and cultures deserve our respect. If you hear a slur or bigoted remark, do not join in. Stand up for equality.’ – it’s written in a book brought home by my daughter yesterday from her “You’ve Got Respectful Manners” class. And it’s written by a Christian lady.